Teaser
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - DAY
(ANTONIO, FAYE, CASEY, ROY, LOWEL) ANTONIO ENTER HANGER TO FIND FAYE AND CASEY AT THE LUNCH COUNTER
ANTONIO
My life sucks.
FAYE
My, aren't we Mr. Jolly-Roger this morning.
ANTONIO
Things were finally different. I had this attractive lady in my cab, so I thought I would ask her out. You know, use the ol' Scarpachi charm.
CASEY
Well, what happened? We know she turned you down, we just wanna know how.
ANTONIO
She told me that her left earlobe had more muscle than me and she didn't date scrawny guys. I'm so ashamed!
LOWELL
No doubt. That's the most shameful thing I've ever heard.
ROY ENTERS, LAUGHING AND VERY EXCITED.
ROY
Hehe! I just saw this gorgeous woman get out of Antonio's cab. She handed me this piece of paper then ran to catch the bus.
ANTONIO
(JUMPS UP)
Really? Is it for me?
ROY
Heck no, Scarpachi! Back off!
(THEN)
I have a date!
LOWELL
Correction. Now it's the most shameful thing I've ever heard.
FADE OUT:
END OF TEASER
Act One
ACT ONE
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - DAY
(ROY, BRIAN) (ROY ENTERS. BRIAN SITS BEHIND JOE'S DESK.)
ROY
Hackett, I need your help.
BRIAN
Go away, Roy.
ROY
I've got a problem.
BRIAN
So you're referring to pounds in the singular now?
ROY
Hacket, I'll give you anything.
BRIAN
No, Roy! I'ts unethical, immoral, and flat-out wrong.
ROY
You don't even know what it is yet.
BRIAN
That? Oh, boilerplate Roy speech. Pretty much covers any request you'd, you know, ever make.
ROY
I need you to help me trick a lady into going on a date with me.
BRIAN
See. Told ya.
ROY
I'll give you ten bucks.
BRIAN
Twenty.
(BRIAN GRINS AS ROY REACHES FOR HIS WALLET. PULLS SOMETHING OUT AND HANDS IT OVER. IT'S NOT MONEY. BRIAN READS IT ALOUD.)
BRIAN (CONT`D)
"I like large men." A classified ad? Roy, did you place this?
ROY
Shut up, Hackett! Read on.
BRIAN
Okay, okay. "I like large men. Mustaches preferred. Must speak another language. Call me. I know you're out there, Big Poppa?" Big Poppa? It's got a name and phone number written next to it...
ROY
Some lady handed me that and ran off.
BRIAN
What? A woman? Human woman? I hope the devil has himself some skis and a lift ticket.
ROY
This is no joke. I can't speak another lasnguage! I need your help.
BRIAN
Too bad body language doesn't count. you'd be multi-lingual.
ROY
Funny. Will you help me, Hackett? Please?
BRIAN
Okay. Why not. What's your plan?
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - LATER THAT DAY
(HELEN, ANTONIO, LOWELL, FAYE, ROY) (ANTONIO ENTERS THE LOBBY AND SITS AT THE COUNTER)
HELEN
Hey, Antonio. You want your usual burger and fries?
ANTONIO
No. From now on, I'm watching my weight. In a month, I'll be a new man, totally desirable to the ladies.
ROY
What ya gonna do Scarpachi,
FAYE
Perhaps you'll win the lottery. Women love money. Well, I love money.
LOWELL
You could get a puppy.
ANTONIO
Please! Have more faith. I'm simply sick and tired of being the black hole of muscle. I want figure. So, I went to Olga's Gym and filled out some applications for a free membership.
FAYE
Olga? I think I've seen her on T.V. Isn't that a man? I can never tell.
LOWELL
Isn't that the Russian gym?
HELEN
Wait, what do you mean applications with an s? How many did you fill out?
ANTONIO
Forty-two. The pen ran out of ink.
HELEN
Forty-two? What, are you crazy? They'll catch you!
ANTONIO
No, no. You see, I used a different name on each one. I could win forty-two times.
LOWELL
Which one am I talking to now? I'd like to speak to ANTONIO please.
HELEN
They're psuedonymes, Lowell. Not multiple personalities.
FAYE
I once knew this stewardess who did that and thought she could get away with it.
ANTONIO
We...what happened?
FAYE
Not much. They just made sure she never filled out their cards again.
ANTONIO
That's it, huh?
FAYE
Yeah. They cut off both index fingers.
HELEN
Faye!
FAYE
But, no worry, this was in Russia. Or was it a Russian-based gym? Oh, I don't know.
HELEN
Well, scpector of mutilation aside, I think your new regime is a great idea. In fact, I've been thinking about a healthy menu for my counter.
(ROY ENTERS, WALKING TO HIS OFFICE.)
ROY
Oh no, not you too, Chapel! My motto is: if it's not bad for you, it's not worth eating.
HELEN
Who woulda thought, huh, Roy?
ROY
Fine. Mock my ways. But I just wanna see you try and make money off food that tastes like vinyl.
LOWELL
I dunno. I think vinyl tastes pretty good.
HELEN
Fine. You're on. More people are health conscious then you give them credit for.
FAYE
What you need is something healthy yet international to satisfy the tourists.
HELEN
I've already thought of that. How 'bout Chinese food? In fact, I have some new recipes I'd like to try out. So, everyone at my place tonight for a sample, yeah?
ANTONIO
The "new" Antonio says: I accept.
INT. HELEN AND JOE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
(BRIAN, HELEN, CASEY, ANTONIO, JOE, FAYE) (EVERYONE SITS ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR SAMPLING VARIOUS CHINESE DELICACIES.)
JOE
Lowell is gonna be kicking himself for missing this. Where is he?
FAYE
Something about tasting the different types of vinyl in the hanger.
BRIAN
Helen, this stuff tastes...interesting. What is it?
HELEN
What you've got? The poo-poo platter.
(LAUGHS)
BRIAN
Yeah, that's...that's hilarious.
CASEY
So, how much fat does this stuff have?
HELEN
That's the best part! None! It might taste nasty, but this stuff is so healthy is unbelievable.
ANTONIO
So, you've got find those special health concious customers who have no taste buds?
HELEN
Nah, I'm sure plenty of people are like Casey.
ANTONIO
What do you mean?
HELEN
Too vain to care. They'll eat it even if they're about to puke.
CASEY
(CHOKING)
Who said I...was...gonna puke?
JOE
Man, wouldn't that be weird? Imagine, a person with no taste buds. What a freak.
BRIAN
Look who's talking. I hate to break it to you, but anyone who can't sleep as long as their shoes touch is pretty darn weird by most people's standards.
JOE
Oh, yeah? I bet a lof people are like that. Right, guys?
(EVERYONE AVOIDS MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH JOE.)
JOE (CONT`D)
Guys?
FAYE
Speaking of freaks, my friend told me about the most intersting news. In fact, it's kind of scary.
HELEN
Oh, really? Tell us!
FAYE
Well, she was watching one of those daytime talk shows, you know. The ones with all the dysfunctional people--
BRIAN
At least we know the source is reliable.
FAYE
Brian, this is serious, listen. They did a show on
(WHISPERS)
paginators.
(EVERYONE INHALES IN SHOCK.)
CASEY
Ew. What are those?
FAYE
I don't know, but it sounds really bad.
JOE
Well, what do these people do?
FAYE
I don't know exactly...but it must be just aweful.
JOE
Faye, if you don't know then you could be wrong. They could be totally harmless.
BRIAN
What? With an accredited news source like daytime talk shows? Hardly, Joe. Sounds solid.
FAYE
Get real, Joe. If you met one of these paginators you'd think twice before touching him, wouldn't you?
HELEN
It all sounds pretty sick to me.
FAYE
(LOOKS AROUND)
They worst part is, according to the show, one in every six people is a habitual paginator.
(THEY ALL LOOK SUSPICIOUSLY AT EACH OTHER WITH SLIGHT DISGUST.)
ANTONIO
Well, umm...I need to go. I need to be home in case the gym calls.
CASEY
Yeah, me too. Thanks, Helen. It was very...something.
(THEY ALL SAY THEIR GOODBYES AND HEAD TOWARDS THE DOOR. )
FADE OUT:
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - THE NEXT MORNING
(ANTONIO, BRIAN, JOE, LOWELL) (ANTONIO ENTERS WEARING A BELLY SHIRT AND PINK SPANDEX TIGHTS.)
ANTONIO
Ta da! What'd ya think?
BRIAN
I think you're very...bright.
ANTONIO
Where's Joe?
BRIAN
He's on his way back from Boston. I know he's not gonna want to miss this.
JOE ENTERS.
JOE
Brian, where's Lowell, the plane needs fuel and -- hey, cute butt, Antonio.
ANTONIO
Guys, I won! The Buff gods have smiled upon me. All those applications paid off. I got a call last night telling me that Eddy Money had won a free trial membership.
JOE
What gym is it?
(LOWELL ENTERS, A SMEARED COLLECTION OF COLORS ALL AROUND HIS MOUTH.)
ANTONIO
That new Russian one. Olga's.
(BOTH BROTHERS WHISTLE IN UNISON.)
JOE
Holy cow. I hear they kill you over there.
ANTONIO
Like, what, literally?
LOWELL
Killing is illegal.
BRIAN
Oh my god, Lowell. What happened to your face?
LOWELL
Oh, this? Turns out some of the vinyl we keep for the seats dissolves with saliva.
(JOE GLARES AT BRIAN.)
JOE
I told you we shouldn't have bought the absolute cheapest possible.
(BRIAN SHRUGS.)
LOWELL
Joe, I'll go re-fuel the plane. You guys know the finger story, right?
(LOWELL EXITS, SHIVERING AT THE MEMORY OF THE STORY.)
JOE
What finger story?
BRIAN
Yeah, there's this story going around about some lady who had her index fingers chopped off.
JOE
At the gym?
(BRIAN NODS.)
ANTONIO
You just wait. I'll be so ripped you won't recognize me in a month. Good luck trying to cut the fingers off He-Man Scarpachi. I start in half an hour. I better get going.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
(HELEN, ANTONIO) (ANTONIO EXITS THE OFFICE AND ENTERS THE LOBBY JUST AS A PLANE FULL OF PASSENGERS RUSH TOWARDS THE LUNCH COUNTER, SWAMPING HELEN.)
HELEN
Antonio! Can I get your help for just a second?
ANTONIO
I have to leave--
HELEN
NOW!
ANTONIO
Coming!
(ANTONIO BOUNDS, GAZELLE-LIKE, OVER THE COUNTER IN A SINGLE, SMOOTH LEAP AND GRABS AN APRON. HELEN IS BUSILY FILLING ORDERS.)
ANTONIO (CONT`D)
What do I need to do?
HELEN
I can take care of these people, but my order form for the Chinese food is due. You fill that out while I handle the rush.
ANTONIO
But I have no idea what you want.
HELEN
I call it out; you right it down.
ANTONIO
Shoot.
HELEN
Okay, put me down for some rice. White. Six cases.
ANTONIO
Check.
HELEN
Give me seven cases of broth. Three vegetable and the rest chicken.
ANTONIO
Got it.
HELEN
Um...some Won Ton Chicken too.
ANTONIO
What?
HELEN
Won Ton Chicken.
ANTONIO
Wait, are you sure?
HELEN
Just do it, Antonio! I don't have time to argue!
ANTONIO
Okay, okay...
CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - LATER
(HELEN) (HELEN EXISTS THE KITCHEN. SHE CARRIES A SAMPLE MENU IN HER HAND. THE LOBBY HAS GROWN QUITE AND NO CUSTOMERS ARE ABOUT. ANTONIO HAS ALREADY LEFT FOR HIS WORKOUT. HELEN CROSSES THE LOBBY AND WE:)
CUT TO:
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
(JOE, HELEN, BRIAN, ROY) (HELEN ENTERS. JOE AND BRIAN SIT ON THE DESK TALKING.)
JOE
Did Antonio leave for his gym class already?
HELEN
Yeah, he just did.
BRIAN
(LAUGHING)
He doesn't stand a chance.
(ROY ENTERS, STICKING HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.)
ROY
Hackett, I need you in my office. Now!
BRIAN
Excuse me. Duty calls.
(BRIAN AND ROY EXIT BUT THEY LEAVE THE DOOR CRACKED.)
HELEN
Joe, you gotta check this out!
(SHE HANDS HIM A SAMPLE MENU.)
HELEN (CONT`D)
Straight from the printers.
JOE
Wow, these are nice. They musta cost a fortune.
HELEN
They did, but I did some research and found out that vendors who sell Chinese food up their profits by sixty-five percent. I'm gonna be rich!
JOE
Just you?
HELEN
We're gonna be rich!
JOE
That's grey, honey. Listen, ther's something we need to discuss.
HELEN
What's wrong? Are you okay?
(GRINNING)
You're not upset that I'll be making more money than you, are you?
BRIAN
No, it's not that. It's just that I met this guy in Boston today...and...
HELEN
And...?
JOE
Well, he's a paginator.
HELEN
Oh my gosh! Did he hurt you?
JOE
No, no, no. Listen, it's okay. I found out what it was. It's not bad. We just have a small vocabulary, and...well...we believed Faye. In fact, this guy paginates for a living.
HELEN
Sick!
JOE
Faye got us freaked out over nothing. It's just someone who puts page numbers on documents. That's all.
HELEN
Damn. That's a job?
JOE
Well, I'm sure there's more -- that's the thirty-thousand foot view here.
HELEN
You know she's been telling everyone about that show. She's got half the island scared.
JOE
Well, by her definition, I'm a paginator too.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
(CUSTOMER) (A CUSTOMER ENTERS WALKING UP TO THE "SANDPIPER AIR" COUNTER BUT FAYE IS NOT THERE. JOE'S DOOR IS CRACKED AND THE CUSTOMER CAN HEAR JOE AND HELEN'S ENTIRE CONVERSATION. SHE IS VISIBLY DISGUSTED AND INCHES CLOSER TO THE DOOR TO IDENTIFY THE SPEAKERS.)
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
(JOE, HELEN)
HELEN
Well, I certainly don't see anything wrong with that.
JOE
(PROUDLY)
I paginated this morning as a matter of fact.
HELEN
Ooooo.
JOE
Right here!
HELEN
Wow!
JOE
In this office!
HELEN
(LAUGHING)
Oh! Let me join you next time!
JOE
Every morning before work. I'm on a schedule.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
(CUSTOMER, FAYE, ROY, BRIAN) (THE CUSTOMER LOOKS ANXIOUS, PEEKING THROUGH THE DOOR TO JOE'S OFFICE WHEN FAYE ENTERS BEHIND HER.)
FAYE
Can I help you?
(THE STARTLED CUSTOMER JUMPS IN SURPRISE AND EXITS AS FAST AS SHE CAN. WE PAN TO SEE BRIAN IN A CONVERSATION WITH ROY AT THE "AIR MASS" COUNTER.)
ROY
So, she wants to go out Friday night. That's in two days! What am I gonna do?
BRIAN
You could try honesty.
(ROY GLARES AT HIM.)
BRIAN (CONT`D)
Fair enough. Worth a shot. I don't know, Roy. I think you're in over your head.
ROY
Hacket! You promised to help! Make the clutch play!
BRIAN
Alright, alright. Listen, let me think and I'll meet with you tomorrow, okay?
ROY
Tell me you have something.
BRIAN
Yeah, I think I have an idea.
INT. OLGA'S GYM - AFTERNOON
(ANTONIO, INSTRUCTOR) (ANTONIO ENTERS THE GYM AND WALKS UP TO THE CUSTOMER SERVICE COUNTER.)
ANTONIO
(TO HIMSELF)
The women here look more manly than me.
INSTRUCTOR
Hey! Can I help you?
ANTONIO
Yes. I won a free membership.
INSTRUCTOR
Name?
ANTONIO
Ah -- Eddie Money. Here's my slip.
INSTRUCTOR
Yes. It seems you did.
(LAUGHS)
Go home, little man. You'll never make it.
ANTONIO
I'd like to get started right away, please.
INSTRUCTOR
We have a minimum lifting requirement here. For quality control reasons.
ANTONIO
A what?
INSTRUCTOR
(SHOWS THE FINE PRINT)
You can't get your free membership unless you can bench two hundred pounds. You really wanan do this?
ANTONIO
I'm desperate. Please, help me.
INSTRUCTOR
Okay. We have a week to get you ready for the exam. Follow me.
(THE INSTRUCTOR LEADS HIM TO THE WORKOUT AREA. WE HAVE A MONTAGE OF WORKOUT SCENES: WE SEE ANTONIO PUNCHING A BAG, JUMPING ROPE, ETC. AND MESSING UP EVERY TIME. FINALLY, HE COLLAPSES. THE INSTRUCTOR POKES HIM WITH A FOOT TO MAKE SURE HE'S STILL ALIVE.)
INSTRUCTOR (CONT`D)
Hey! Someone call him a cab? I think...we're done for the day.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - MORNING
(HELEN, JOE, DELIVERY DRIVER) (HELEN AND JOE SIT AT THE COUNTER DRINKING THEIR MORNING COFFEE.) (SFX: BIG-RUG PULLING UP)
HELEN
Joe! I think that's my Chinese food order!
JOE
Whoa. Already? How'd it get here so fast?
HELEN
I paid extra for next day.
JOE
I sure hope you make all this money back.
HELEN
Oh, I will, and then some. Don't worry!
(DELIVERY DRIVER ENTERS.)
DELIVERY DRIVER
Helen Chapel?
HELEN
That's me! Are you from the food place...?
DELIVERY DRIVER
Yes, ma'am. I need you to sign here then my boys will start unloadin' the truck. Hope you folks aren't in a hurry to go anywhere.
JOE
Why? What's the problem?
DELIVERY DRIVER
You serious? It would take Superman all day to unload all this food ya'll ordered.
HELEN
(CONFUSED)
What? Let me see that.
(SHE GRABS THE MANIFEST, FRANTICALLY LOOKS THROUGH IT, AND SCREAMS.)
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
Act Two
ACT TWO
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - CONTINUING
(HELEN, DELIVERY DRIVER, JOE, CUSTOMER, POLICE OFFICER, FAYE) (HELEN STARES BLANKLY AT THE MANIFEST, HER EXPRESSION ONE OF DISBELIEF AND HORROR. JOE IS TRYING TO WORK HIS WAY AROUND SO HE CAN SEE TOO.)
HELEN
This...this can't be right.
DELIVERY DRIVER
It's right, lady.
JOE
Let me see. Oh.
HELEN
I didn't order one ton of chicken!
JOE
Wow. That's a lot of chicken.
DELIVERY DRIVER
The boys and I were wondering why you'd do that. You'll never get through all that. We just figured you liked the stuff.
JOE
Helen, how could this happen?!
HELEN
Antonio!!!
(THE CUSTOMER THAT OVERHEAD HELEN AND JOE EARLIER NOW ENTERS WITH A POLICE OFFICER IN TOW.)
CUSTOMER
There he is, officer! That's the man! And her! She's in on it!
(THE POLICE OFFICER BEGINS TO TAKE OUT HIS HANDCUFFS AND WALKS TOWARDS JOE.)
JOE
Hey, hey, hey, what a minute! Chicken is still legal!
(PASSING THROUGH, LOWELL ENTERS JUST IN TIME TO HEAR JOE. HIS MOUTH AND LOWER FACE IS EVEN MORE COLORFUL THAN BEFORE.)
LOWELL
(PANICING)
They're coming for chicken now?! My vinyl!
(LOWELL RUNS TOWARDS THE HANGER.)
CUSTOMER
Don't play dumb, mister! I heard you and your lady friend in that office yesterday. You can't deny it.
POLICE OFFICER
I'm afraid you'll need to come with me, son.
JOE
What are the charges?
CUSTOMER
You said it yourself! You claimed to be one of them!
(FAYE ENTERS.)
FAYE
Oh my goodness! Joe! What's going on?
CUSTOMER
(TO FAYE)
You were right. They are everywhere. We just caught one of them!
(THE POLICE OFFICER HANDCUFFS JOE AND BEGINS WALKING HIM OUT.)
POLICE OFFICER
Sir, you're under arrest for being an active and habitual paginator.
JOE
No, you can't arrest me for that. It's not bad.
FAYE
Oh no, Joe, not you too!
JOE
Helen, help!
(JOE AND THE POLICE OFFICER EXIT.) (LOWELL ENTERS, RUNNING THROUGH THE LOBBY CLUTCHING VINYL SAMPLES TO HIS CHEST.)
DELIVERY DRIVER
Alright, boys. Let's hustle. This place is weird as hell!
EXT. AIRPORT - ESTABLISHING
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON
(ROY, BRIAN) (ROY AND BRIAN PACE BACK AND FORTH, BRAINSTORMING.)
ROY
Okay, I'm ready to hear your big plan.
BRIAN
As far as I figure it, Roy, you're only problem is not knowing another language.
ROY
Right.
BRIAN
I've got that covered. I'm gonna teach you a new language.
ROY
I paid you for this! I'm outta here...
BRIAN
Wait! Roy, it'll work. Trust me. Okay. Her's what you do...
ROY
I'm waiting.
BRIAN
Make it up.
ROY
That's it? That's your master plan?
BRIAN
I've got some sample dialogue to teach you. It's a language she has never heard before and is never going to hear. Nothing to worry about.
ROY
Okay. Teach me. I'm an open book.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - AFTERNOON
(ANTONIO, HELEN, FAYE) (BOXES ARE STACKED ALL AROUND THE LUNCH COUNTER, UNABLE TO FIT INSIDE THE KITCHEN ALONE. HELEN TRIES TO GET A CUSTOMER SOME COFFEE BUT THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH IN THE WAY. DEFEATED, SHE GIVES UP. ANTONIO ENTERS, LOOKING RAGGED. HE'S IN PAIN AND WALKING FUNNY FROM THE SORENESS.)
ANTONIO
Oh...my poor little Italian body.
(ANTONIO SITS.)
ANTONIO (CONT`D)
Helen, can I please have some water? Hey, what are all these boxes for?
HELEN
(SACCHRINE)
Oh, hi, Antonio. How are you? Would you like some water? Really? Hold on, you've got something on your head.
(HELEN HITS HIM AS HARD AS SHE CAN WITH HER CLIPBOARD.)
ANTONIO
Ow!
HELEN
Got it! Now, let me get you your water.
(HELEN PICKS UP A GLASS OF WATER AND POURS IT DOWN HIS SHIRT.)
HELEN (CONT`D)
Refreshed? Do you need some more?
ANTONIO
What are you doing? I'm already in pain!
HELEN
Not as much as you're gonna be in a minute! You think Olga is bad? Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
ANTONIO
What did I do?
HELEN
You idiot! Look around. I asked you to put me down for Won Ton Chicken, not one ton of chicken.
ANTONIO
There's a difference?
HELEN
In the sense that they are different words? Yeah.
ANTONIO
They sound the same to me.
(NERVOUSE LAUGH)
Is everything really that bad?
HELEN
I have enough food to feed a revolution and I'm in debt to here! I've got to sell all this chicken off somehow so I don't forfeit my soul to the bank, Antonio, so yeah, I'd say things are pretty bad.
(SHE SMACKS THE CLIPBOARD INTO HIS CHEST, HANDING IT OVER. HE'S JUST BEEN GANGPRESSED INTO SERVICE.)
HELEN (CONT`D)
And you're gonna help.
ANTONIO
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
HELEN
I don't need any lip from you now. Enough has gone wrong. First, this, then Joe went to jail, and now you, Mr. Liked-Him-Some-Chicken, is gonna help me get out.
ANTONIO
Joe's in jail? Why?
(FAYE WALKS OVER TO THE COUNTER FROM HER STATION.)
FAYE
Joe's not the same person we all thought he was, Antonio.
HELEN
Faye, would you stop saying that! Of course he is. You've got the whole thing wrong.
FAYE
I'm afraid he's brainwashed Helen as well.
ANTONIO
What's wrong with him?
HELEN
Nothing.
FAYE
He's a paginator.
(ANTONIO GASPS IN HORROR.)
ANTONIO
No! Not my friend Joe!
FAYE
'Fraid so.
HELEN
Listen, you guys need to cool it. Joe needs our help, and, right now, I need your help, Antonio. Now, put an apron back on.
EXT. AIRPORT - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - NIGHT
(ROY, DIANNA) (ROY SITS AT A NICELY DECORATED TABLE IN THE AIRPORT LOBBY. HE WEARS A PRESSED SUIT AND HAS NOTECARDS LAID OUT IN FRONT OF HIM, STEADILY REVIEWING HIS FAKE LANGUAGE FOR THE EVENING.)
ROY
(TO HIMSELF)
Huma gemarb blishhal. Numo. Lupfika!
(DIANNA, HIS DATE, ENTERS, AND HE QUICKLY HIDES THE CARDS.)
ROY (CONT`D)
Hello. You look lovely.
DIANNA
Why, thank you. Wonderful idea you had to eat dinner here. How creative.
(ROY PULLS HER CHAIR OUT FOR HER.)
ROY
Free chicken.
DIANNA
Hmmm?
ROY
Nothing. Nevermind.
DIANNA
I met one of your friends today at the grocery store. Quite a coincidental little run-in.
ROY
You did?
DIANNA
Yes. Brian Hackett. Charming man. He told me everything, Roy.
ROY
He did?
DIANNA
Yes. He went on for the longest time about you. How you were so intelligent, so fluent in other languages...
ROY
Of course he did. I've tried to teach him, but...hopeless. Only a special mind can grasp the language I've mastered.
DIANNA
Really? Which language is that?
ROY
Why are you so interested in languages?
DIANNA
I'm a professor. I teach the social linguistics, you know, the study of language development, it's uses, limitations, strengths.
ROY
Wow...so...I guess you...really know your stuff, huh?
DIANNA
You could say that. So, what is this language you know?
ROY
Oh
(COUGHING)
Umm...it's...unheard of, really.
DIANNA
I always love learning new things.
ROY
It's....Supasupatheg. Rather obscure.
DIANNA
I'll say. I've never heard of it, I don't think. How many active speakers?
ROY
Not. Many.
DIANNA
Well, I'd love to hear some. I just think hearing forgeing languages from a man is so sexy.
(HE LOOKS AT HER NERVOUSLY, FEELING OUTMATCHED AND IN TROUBLE.)
ROY
Zlikwam nrev-nrev pojibthraz.
DIANNA
And that means?
ROY
You look lovely tonight.
DIANNA
I think I like you already.
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
(DIANNA, ROY) (ROY WALKS DIANNA TO HER APARTMENT AFTER A LONG EVENING. THEY BOTH LOOK PLEASED AND HAPPY, AND IT APPEARS AS IF ROY ACTUALLY HAS A SENSITIVE SIDE TO HIM.)
DIANNA
Well, Mr. Bigguns, thanks for the evening.
ROY
You're welcome. Lifka forteena.
DIANNA
Mmmmm, what is that?
ROY
Sweet dreams. You have to go?
DIANNA
Yes, I'm afraid so. Sorry. I have so much work to do. I'll seen you soon, right?
ROY
You bet.
(DIANNA GIVES ROY A SMALL KISS ON THE CHEEK, TURNS, AND ENTERS HER APARTMENT, EXITING. ROY CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF AND SKIPS DOWN THE HALLWAY.)
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - MORNING
(BRIAN, HELEN, ANTONIO, FAYE) (HELEN AND ANTONIO ARE BUSY WRITING NEW MENUS. JUST AS THEY BEGIN HANGING THEM UP, BRIAN ENTERS.)
BRIAN
Ah, I didn't take you guys for preppers, Helen.
HELEN
Ha-ha, Brian. Look, I'm determined to sell all this off. Anyway you can fix chicken, we do it. Don't we, Antonio?
ANTONIO
We do.
(BRIAN LOOKS AT THE MENU)
BRIAN
And even ways you're not supposed to fix chicken.
HELEN
Go ahead, Antonio, show him the catchphrase. Do the moves this time.
(ANTONIO SIGHS, EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED.)
ANTONIO
Cluck, cluck, cluck, more chicken for your buck. Welcome to the counter, please try the chicken-pounder. Can I take your order?
BRIAN
You're gonna say that to, like...people?
HELEN
Part of his punishment.
(ROY ENTERS, VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. HE WALKS RIGHT OVER TO BRIAN AND GIVES HIM A HUGE HUG.)
ROY
Hackett, you're the best!
BRIAN
Hey, whoa! I've a no sociopaths touching rule. The money was nice but that's as far as I go.
(ROY SEES THE NEW MENU BOARDS HANGING FROM THE REGISTER.)
ROY
Christ! Chicken shakes? Chicken fudge pops? God almighty. What did life ever do to you guys?
(ROY TAKES THE MENU BOARDS DOWN AND TOSSES THEM BEHIND THE COUNTER.)
ROY (CONT`D)
Here. Let me do you a favor. I'm feeling generous. For once.
BRIAN
So, things went well with your date, I assume?
ROY
Yes! You're language was flawless. She never knew! Where di you come up with that?
BRIAN
Oh, I've heard it before.
ROY
It exists. Oh no. She'll find out for sure.
BRIAN
Well, I wouldn't say it exists in the way you mean.
ROY
So, it's extinct? A dead language? Good. That's do-able.
BRIAN
Yeah, sure.
HELEN
Well, I gotta go see about bailing Joe out of the slammer. You've got it solo for a while, Antonio.
ANTONIO
No prolem-o.
INT. JAIL - LATER
(HELEN, JOE, DIANNA) (HELEN WALKS IN TO SEE A SCRAGGLY, UNSHAVEN JOE BEHIND BARD WITH A HOMELESS-LOOKING MAN.)
HELEN
Joe! You okay?
JOE
You came. Glad you finally decided to check on me.
HELEN
I'm so sorry. Things were a madhouse yesterday. I figured you'd be alright.
JOE
It's not easy when you're the best looking guy in jail, ya know.
HELEN
How are we going to get you out of this mess?
DIANNA
I think we already have. I'm Dianna Bastrom. I'm a lingual expert. The police call me now and then. I'll admit this is a first though. Usually, they need me if a case is dealing with something international. Can't say they've ever needed because they just have a small vocabulary.
HELEN
He's fine?
DIANNA
I've informed everyone that your husband is, indeed, not a criminal and that it was all a misunderstanding.
HELEN
Well, I guess we need to let Faye know too.
DIANNA
At the request of your husband, I spoke with her. Joe should be out any minute. We're just waiting on paperwork.
JOE
Thank you.
HELEN
Yes, thanks.
DIANNA
My pleasure. Paginator.
DIANNA EXITS, LAUGHING TO HERSELF.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - CONTINUOUS
(MAN 1, WOMAN 1, MAN 2, WOMAN 2, FAYE, ANTONIO, INSTRUCTOR) (THE COUNTER IS SWAMPED WITH CUSTOMERS WAITING FOR A PLANE. ANTONIO TRIES HIS BEST TO FILL ALL INCOMING ORDERS BUT IS CLEARLY IN OVER HIS HEAD. THE NEW MENUS BOARDS ARE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.) (THROUGHOUT THE LOBBY, CUSTOMERS TASTE THEIR FOOD ONLY TO BE MET WITH THE SOMETHING TRULY AWEFUL.)
MAN 1
This is disgusting!
WOMAN 1
Can I have my money back?
MAN 2
What is in this Coke?
WOMAN 2
Is this a lump of chicken in my apple pie?
(FAYE ENTERS, HEADED TOWARDS THE SANDPIPER AIR COUNTER.)
FAYE
Antonio, what's going on?
ANTONIO
No problem, Faye. I got it under control!
FAYE
Well, I wasn't going to help. I was just asking what's going on. Didn't your workout sessions start fifteen minutes ago?
ANTONIO
I'm not going back. I quit. It's too t ough. I'm happy as I am. As Muscle-Atrophy Antonio.
FAYE
Just be careful. I heard they don't take kindly to that.
MAN 1
(HORRIFIED)
Oh my god, this is a chicken milkshake!
(FAYE EXISTS just as the INSTRUCTOR ENTERS ACCOMPANIED BY A WEIGHTLIFTING BUDDY. SHE LOOKS AROUND; ANTONIO IS NOT HARD TO SPOT.) (ANTONIO IS SO BUSY HE DOESN'T NOTICE THEM UNTIL HE BUMPS RIGHT INTO THE INSTRUCTOR!)
ANTONIO
Oh, excuse me, I'm terribly -- you!
INSTRUCTOR
Ha ha ha. Thought you could get away, little hairy man? We have a requirement to meet.
ANTONIO
It was a free membership! Free! I can quit when I want.
INSTRUCTOR
Quitting is an American invention.
ANTONIO
Then I should be fine. I'm Italian.
(SHE GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR AND BEGINS TO DRAG HIM TOWARD THE DOOR.)
ANTONIO
No! It was free I tell you! Freeeee!
INT. JOE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
(ROY, BRIAN) (ROY COMES BURSTING IN, SURPRISING BRIAN WHO IMMEDIATLY HANGS UP THE PHONE.)
ROY
Hacket!
BRIAN
I wasn't calling a 900 number on the Air Mass account again!
ROY
What?
BRIAN
Nothing. What can I do for you?
ROY
She wants to go out again. Tonight! The next night! This is good, right?
BRIAN
Wow. Very good. You sure she's feeling alright, Roy?
ROY
Yes, I'm fin--- wait, of course she is, Hackett.
BRIAN
Just a little surprised, that's all.
ROY
This could be it! The real thing for me!
BRIAN
You're lying to her, Roy.
ROY
So?
BRIAN
You're whole relationship is based on a lie.
ROY
So?
BRIAN
So, it can't be the real thing.
ROY
Semantics, Brian. All semantics. I made it and now you're jealous.
BRIAN
Whatever. It's gonna backfire. I'm tellin' ya now.
INT. DIANNA'S APARTMENT - EVENING
(DIANNA, ROY, TELEVISION ANNOUNCER, MISSIONARY, PAULA, MARTIAN) (DIANNA IS SITTING NEXT TO PAPERS SPREAD OUT ALL OVER HER COUCH. SHE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS ROY)
DIANNA
Hi, Roy? Hi. Listen, can you be over here at nine instead of eight? I'm so sorry...aw, thanks. You're sweet. There's just some extra work I'd like to get done before hand.
ROY (O.S.)
Lopum kinlojukko.
DIANNA
You're adorable. Bye. See ya soon.
(DIANNA's TELEVISION CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND WHILE SHE WORKS.)
TELEVISION ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
We now return to our American Classic Movie selection, the romantic adventure from 1952, "Martian Missionary Man".
MISSIONARY (O.S.)
Paula, help me take the medical supplies off the ship. We might be able to help them if our biologies are similar enough.
PAULA (O.S.)
Sir, the Martian, he's trying to vocalize.
MARTIAN (O.S.)
Huma gemarb blishhal.
(DIANNA LOOKS UP FROM HER GRADING, THE RHYTHM OF THE WORDS SEEMS FAMILIAR TO HER.)
PAULA (O.S.)
What's he saying?
MISSIONARY (O.S.)
The ship hasn't translated it yet. We must record it!
MARTIAN (O.S.)
Pojibthraz. Forteena. Zlikwam nrev-nrev.
(WE SLOWLY PUSH IN ON DIANA AS IT DAWNS ON HER.)
MISSIONARY (O.S.)
The computer is calling it Supasupatheg. Keep recording, Paula!
CUT TO:
INT. ROY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUING
(ROY) (SFX: ROY'S PHONE RINGING) (ROY EMERGES FROM THE BATHROOM IN HIS UNDERSHIRT, SHAVING CREAM COATING HIS FACE)
ROY
Hello?
(PAUSE)
Dianna, hi. What? Wait...no. No, I haven't seen it.
(PAUSE)
Wait, Dianna, please, I can explain! Dianna? Dianna? Great.
INT. AIRPORT LOBBY - MORNING
(HELEN, ROY, JOE, FAYE, BRIAN, POLICE OFFICER) (ROY ENTERS, VERY DEPRESSED. HELEN CLEANS HER COUNTER. THERE ARE NO BOXES TO BE SEEN -- THE CLUTTER IS GONE.)
HELEN
Mornin', Roy. Lovely mornin', eh?
ROY
Shut up, Chapel.
HELEN
Your date go bad? Just a matter o' time.
ROY
Shut up, Chapel. Hey, where's all your chicken?
HELEN
Gave it away. No way I could sell it, and after what Antonio was doing yesterday, I was about to have Health Services shut me down. So, I got rid of it. Tax write off.
ROY
When Brian gets here, tell him I'm looking for the punk.
(JOE ENTERS, HAPPY TO BE OUT OF JAIL FINALLY. FAYE FOLLOWS, APOLOGIZING.)
JOE
It's ok, Faye. Really. I'm okay; you're okay. We're all okay.
FAYE
Listen, if there's anything I can do...? I have several stewardess friends who would love some company?
(WINKS)
JOE
Faye, I'm married.
FAYE
So?
JOE
So, that means I don't want to give another woman...company.
FAYE
What's your bias, Joe? Age? Is it the age thing?
JOE
What? No? Faye, I'm married.
(FAYE AND JOE CONTINUE TO ARGUE AS THEY EXIT INTO HIS OFFICE. BRIAN ENTERS.)
HELEN
Mornin', Brian. Oh, Roy wants to see you. Right now.
BRIAN
Really? His date ho that well? I gotta hand it to myself. I've really done well this time.
(ROY HEARS BRIAN'S VOICE AND ENTERS, STORMING OUT OF HIS OFFICE).
ROY
Hackett!
BRIAN
Yup! That's the sound of a happy, satisfied Bigguns.
ROYM
Hackett! You! You got that language off of "Missionary Man to Mars"?!
BRIAN
Hey, watch your language. It's "Martian Missionary Man", and it is a stone-cold classic.
ROY
I don't care! She found out! How could you take it off a movie?
BRIAN
She did?
(JUST THEN, THE POLICE OFFICER ENTERS)
POLICE OFFICER
Roy Bigguns?
ROY
(NERVOUSLY)
Yes?
(THE POLICE OFFICER TAKES HIM BY THE ELBOW AND STARTS TO LEAD HIM OUT THE DOOR.)
POLICE OFFICER
You're under arrest for being a member of the habitual paginators society. You have the right to remain silent.
ROY
What? I don't know what that means! I don't know what you're talking about!
(DIANNA ENTERS THE LOBBY JUST IN TIME TO ENJOY HER VICTORY. SHE LEANS AGIANST A WALL, WATCHING THE WHOLE SITUATION UNFOLD WITH AN EVIL GRIN.)
POLICE OFFICER
No use denying it, sir. We've got it straight from a personal aquaintance of yours. Let's go.
(THE OFFICER PULLS ROY OUT OF THE LOBBY, THEY BOTH EXIT.)
ROY (O.S.)
Hackett!!!
END OF ACT TWO